ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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