I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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