Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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