alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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