I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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