we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
