So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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