Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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