He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
