don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
