My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Drunk is not a location!
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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