My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
