I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
