She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
