apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I need moral support for this bender
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
