just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
