I bet he comes in French.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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