Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
