what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
