And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
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