words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
