you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize