the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
