I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
