Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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