I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
