Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
two words...techno handjob
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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