I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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