a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
