Your tits are I can't wait for
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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