What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
