he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
