Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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