also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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