I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
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