im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
