For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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