The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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