Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I think your dad took our porno
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize