woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
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