My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Randomize
