He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
