I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
