and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
