What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
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