I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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