Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
