I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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