i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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