I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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